The Stories Begun

{January 18, 2011}   Shame

For some odd reason, I feel the need to explain why I up and stopped writing in my blog.  So, it’s really unfortunate that I can’t.  I would love to know what demotivated me after several months of weekly (sometimes more) updates.

There are certainly a few logical reasons: I was sick a LOT in the fall with many various illnesses, I had to use an internet-less computer at work for two months, NaNoWriMo, and my brother (and some friends, too) came home from his mission.  Many of these things make it easier to not write, but not one of them–individually or collectively–managed to consume enough time to justify not writing at all.  They just made the whole process inconvenient.

I think the big reason I stopped writing was the shame.  After missing two weeks, I didn’t know how to hop back in.  After three, I felt I owed myself an apology, much less one owed to those who had been reading.  After four, I felt like I did when I was a teenager trying to sneak quietly back into the house, late from curfew, but instead managing to step on the alarm button on the car key (yeah, that happened more than once).  There is just no graceful recovery from that.

But, as I have just described, shame is not something others assign, it’s something I create.  The response to starting over again has been a lot less like that car alarm at just-past-one in the morning and more like a small celebration.  In the end, erratic writing isn’t anything but me getting in the way of myself.  Shame would not exist if I did not create it.

It seems I spend quite a bit of time getting back to my writing, more than I do working on it.  Eventually, I’ll stop making barriers.  And when I do that, I’ll have more room in my head to learn.

Time to begin again!



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